6th Ave Alley

I don't hate them… I just feel better when they're not around.
– Charles Bukowski, Barfly

If I remember correctly, I think I saw the movie adaptation of Barfly
first. I don't think I ever read the book myself. There are uploads on
youtube of his audiobooks and I'm sure I listened to Barfly. I think
the woman approaches Hank at the bar and starts talking to him
first. She complains about other people and having to deal with them
before expressing her hatred of people. I couldv'e cried at
Hank's/Bukowski's response. "…I just feel better when they're not
around."

Perhaps not the healthiest attitude. Self-isolation to avoid people
and all the anxiety and awkardness is not the best way to form close
and meaningful relationships. But whenever I tried, I always seemed to
screw up somehow. I always seemed to say something or misunderstand
something. The memories of the all stupid things I do haunt me. Back
then, self-isolation seemed like the best strategy to avoid creating
new monsters. Weed, netflix, and alcohol seemed like the best way to
make the monsters that were already here less scary.

And art. Drawing graffiti or writing made me feel productive while
avoiding doing my homework. And the artists I liked gave me hope of
finding a way to cope with life. Bukowski's words about that cold,
dark room… and the persistence to keep writing, to keep creating
despite all the rejection. To keep doing the work. The need to keep
doing the work…

I remember those late nights, back when I was doing my engineering
undergrad, repeatedly watching that documentary on youtube, or
listening to that reading of "Roll the Dice", and working on my entry
to NaNoWriMo. Somehow I managed to convince myself, if I self
published 70k or so words, I'd make enough to never have to leave that
cold, dark room. And maybe if I was lucky, I would have enough
intoxicants to forget why I hated myself. Because what the world
really needed was a 20 year old kid's sad attempt to chase Hunter
Thompson off the edge.

Just a little more, right? Just take more than last time, that will
make the story more interesting this time. That will help me overcome
my fears just enough to do the thing. Then I can have the experience
to authentically write that story with that same weird, frantic
energy, while looking fear in the eye.

And of course, none of those stories went far enough. Just mediocre
kid stories of doing something stupid at the worst time. That one AA
group at that park in that one city had so much better stories. Ya, I
know that feel, ya, I kinda relate to that, kinda remember doing
something similar… but I'm really not that bad… yet. They told me
that was just me giving excuses. No, I know I can very easily get that
bad. And no, I know I am very much on my way. But I am pretty sure I
am not at that level yet.

those AA meetings were 7 years before the last time I got sober… so
much lost time. So many things to learn. So many things to relearn.

There's aspects of AA I don't like. And then there are the things that
really hit home. There is no such thing as a former addict. Only an
addict that does not use anymore. I know why I don't want to be that
person anymore. All the problems I had, all the people I hurt… and
that's just the ones I am aware of. Yet, my sense of humor is still
there. Yet, my personality is still there. And when the right memories
are looked at in isolation from all the problems and pain, they are
still fun… falling back down would be so easy.

And here I am, chasing the dream of being a signal processing
engineer, an artist, and maybe even have some healthy
relationships. But how? Time management alludes me. I may not be using
but I have found other distractions to drown out the thoughts. The
'friends' I had back then were more just people to get high
with. There were some genuine moments of friendship. Then there were
the other times. We simultaneously raced each other to the bottom and
dragged each other down and laughed at those who hit the ground and
lamented those that 'gave up' seeking new lows. What does actual
friendship even look like? Am I even capable?

There are still lingering issues to work on. Do I want to expose some
poor innocent to the likes of me? But at the same time, some of these
problems can only be worked on by talking and socializing with the
other humans- by building the healthy relationships. I know this is my
low self-esteem talking, but I have a hard time imagining myself being
able to reciprocate. And I don't want to do that…

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who knows me
I'm mean and bitter
And a failure at everything that I say I believe…
– Pat the Bunny, I'm Not a Good Person