Roll the Dice

(Bukowski 1999)

Reading on youtube

if you're going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don't even start,

if you're going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way,
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you'll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
ann it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you're going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it

all the way
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, it's
the only good fight
there is.

I love the idea of going all in and committing to risking everything
for the sake of the work, the goal, the mission… Putting all focus
towards reaching the dream regardless of the doubts or challenges
along the way. His writing about persistence in the face of rejection
is the part of Bukowski I like. (… as well as the romanticisation of
solitude…I think, maybe, not as sure anymore…) Just do what needs
to be done to get the words down, to make the painting, to learn the
maths, to study the radar…

… and neglect everything else? I am not sure that is healthy or
realistically sustainabile long term. What about feedback and learning
from others? What if the idea I am committing to is just bad and if I
listen to others, I would be able to course correct before it is too
late… what if the isolation is because I have poor social skills and
am just too off putting to other people rather than too busy
procrastinating on the work I tell myself I'm doing…

without someone close enough to see how I treat people and willing to
give that feedback, how would I know if I am genuinely on a healthy
path towards my goals or an asshole who hides behind those goals as a
way to keep people at arms length… but with school and work… and
my procrasitination… and the occaisonal work on
painting/writing/this website… making time for developing those
relationships is difficult.

Then there is my terrible habit of hiding from everyone until I
finally get comfortable. And when I am finally comfortable, jumping
head first into the deep end, despite not knowing how to swim… then
laughing at the adult who pulls me out and jumping back in…

I'll tell you, man, my friend william
came to me with a message of hope
it went, 'fuck you and everything that you think you know,
if you don't step outside the things that you believe,
they're gonna kill you'
he said, 'no one's gonna stop you
from dying young and miserable and right,
if you want something better,
you gotta put that shit aside'
– Pat the Bunny, [[id:70990375-914d-4d2d-ab80-0b70f6c209b2][From Here to Utopia]]