Green Dumpster Alley

My brain is rotted garbage. A foul stench lingers. I have grown used
to this foul self and most of the time I don't notice anything. Stop
for a second and breathe and there it is. All the accumulated bad
habits, all the weaknesses, all the stupid mistakes…

Could've sworn I learned my lesson this time. Didn't I pay closer
attention? Didn't I slow down a little bit? Didn't I think a little
more about what I was saying? Didn't I proof read that message? What
was the source for that? Why that nonsense get stuck in my head? And
no one contradicts- just nod and agree. Sure. Ok.

Another missed opportunity to improve, to mature. Another
conversation- another human interaction- another default to the
baseline habit -> avoid, hide, run away. But how do they see these
interactions? Do they hear the attempt at sarcasm? Do they think I
left abruptly to spite them? Do they see me confusing myself,
overthinking my way into doing something stupid?

Probably. I'm the only one unaware of the stench. Moving too fast,
trying to catch up to myself. Gotta clean up that garbage, make the
head look somewhat presentable. At least presentable enough to go out
there and develop better habits.

Clean the mess just well enough to go make the mess worse. Fall that
much further behind. Need to work better. Take the time to do it
right. …but how much time is there to stand still… and look at how
much waste has accumulated…

Am I too hard on myself or not hard enough? I have improved a
lot… relative to where I was… I talk to people more than before. I
push my self to do some more… and oh, no- there's another corner of
the head, left neglected and unclean.

Need to go back over there. Need to study this, need to study that
linear algebra, understand the physical significance of those
windowing coefficients and what that lets me see… need to check up
on that source for that claim about health care made in that
conversation… need to- oh crap, that's this weekend-> what time are
we supposed to meet, is that art walk even happening?

If only the rot could be reset. Throw all in a burn bin and start from
scratch. But the habits still persist. Try to move on, let the past be
the past, and do better next time. But the stench still lingers. And
I don't seem to know how to use the incense quite right.